You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
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Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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