I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
