I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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