so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
