Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
