The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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