i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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