I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
