i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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