this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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