my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
