life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
