Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
