lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
