Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
