I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
