After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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