its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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