you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
