The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
