you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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