I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
