anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
