I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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