She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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