i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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