don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
