I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
