I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
