If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
