Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
