wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
