I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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