Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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