I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.