Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?