she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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