Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
