i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She told me I should be a condom model.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Randomize
