saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
