His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
