fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
