I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
a search helicopter?!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
