those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
