your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
