I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
