He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
did i walk over a car last night?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
