I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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