Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
