i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
