NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
