everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
