the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
