I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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