I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
