The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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