I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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