Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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