there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
did i walk over a car last night?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There's always time for handjobs
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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