I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
