half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
