You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
