That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
